There are times at which I find myself feeling so happy and at ease that I realise quite how different 'this' is. Feeling safe, feeling confident, feeling free. It seems amazing that it all went away in the end. Every so often during these moments, I realise how simple it was, to come over here. To the other side of the line. I think back and decide it was stupid and my own doing. If it was that easy, why didn't I do it ages ago. Why haven't I been like this all along? Why did I make it hard for myself?
Other times the coin has flipped and the tables have turned. Something will jog my memory and take me 'back there'. I realise just quite what I went through. The pain I endured. The endlessness of it all. God was it complex. So much so. It scares me.
Then I zoom out and catch sight of the big picture. Quite how many issues/diagnoses/symptoms I had. They seem too many for one person. It's almost as if it never happened. It couldn't have.
Except it did. It left its mark. It landed in my life like a meteor; one which had been part of a star. I had known it existed, in the background. I saw it glaring at me from time to time. Then all of a sudden it fell. Dented everything around me. Destructed all in it's path. Left a crater. I'm not standing in the same spot, but the concave ruin remains. It's just that the grass has grown over it and I've landscaped it into a shrine for wellness. It will always be a part of me. It's led to my now. My safety. My confidence. My freedom. It's better now than ever it was before. I couldn't have got here without it.
