Skinny Girl's Fat

I appreciate that I am not obese.  Or technically overweight.  Or even 'average build.' I even appreciated that back then.  That that was the reality, even though I couldn't see it or believe it myself.  But I still have & had bits that jiggle.  I'm slim, but I can still have fat, cellulite and a general dislike for my figure!  It would be nice once in a while if comments were considered before communicated.

There are two types of dismissive comments.  One where I'm not even speaking, asked to speak or allowed to speak for myself.  These are the conversations where suddenly food, or the other person's weight/size/shape comes up in a sentence directly, with barely a comma's pause, followed by an assumption (sometimes wrapped within a 'compliment') that 'you don't have to worry, though' or 'you manage to eat what you like and you're a thin as a rake'.  If they're going all out, they may even call me a few names of 'endearment', you 'skinnie minnie!'  (Whatever that means...)

And every time, without fail, a ghost within me stands up and shouts at them.  What would you know?  Have you seen how many times a day I stand on the scales?  Have you watched me bending over the toilet?  Have you been inside the noise of my head trying to work out, arguing, whether I can eat today or not?  Have you been there when I've cried myself to sleep because I desperately want to function but can't bring myself to eat enough to manage it?  Do you have any idea what your dismissive, throw away comments do to me, my internal battle and my self esteem?

Then there's the few times that I do mention, as part of conversation, how I might feel about areas of my body's size, textures or flaws.  This does not go down well.  Ever.  Inevitably I end up being compared to one of them, told how lucky I am, and how everyone wishes they were me.  Not that they've seen under my clothes, not that they've been compelled to act compulsively, neurotically and destructively around food.  No.  They think it's a dream.  And I wish it were.  I look back at photos of times where I thought I was fat, and wish I'd had the confidence to embrace what I did have  But I had a distorted mirror for many many years.  Whether they think I'm fat or not, the fact is that the whole matter is subjective.  And if I think or feel that I am, that is the reality for me and my body.  Their reality is irrelevant and I wish they'd stop forcing it upon me, making it impossible for me to ever talk about these issues that ate away at me for years of my life.  Just because I function 'normally' and you've seen me eat a burger that one time doesn't mean I don't have a complex relationship with food or disordered eating.