That's what I wanted. That's how I saw it, through my suffering. A permanent suffering, from which there was no recovery to be had. Permanent dysphoria interwoven with manic peaks so energetic that they sapped all the life out of me eventually. I saw the highest highs, and felt a privilege being up so close to the stars. But I also fell down into my life's ravine, hitting all the ledges on the way, no rescue rope in sight. My experiences were not this two dimensional, either. Maybe 7D? Either way I was pulled and pushed, shoved and snatched, teased and torn in all directions.
It hurt. And there was no plaster or magic pill to make it go away. I didn't want to go on. I was trapped writhing in the middle of a web. I did not want to wait out the inevitability of more pain and suffering. I wanted it to end now. And why not? Wasn't that my choice? We make these choices for animals every day. 'His quality of life will be very poor, and his chances of recovery are slim.' So he is 'put to sleep' - how pleasant and comforting that phrase sounded. I longed for peace, quiet and stillness. In many ways I'd never experienced that at all. Wasn't it my turn? How much more did I have to go through/put up with? How many more times did I need to try to get better? I was running on empty in every sense of the phrase. I had nothing left to give, and life had everything still to take from me. What I'd have given to have been put to sleep.
A controversial issue. Not ok in this country, but ok elsewhere. Ok for physical things, not ok for mental things? Would I have regretted committing euthanasia? Well I wouldn't have ever known that I could have recovered. I wouldn't have known this freedom, or this version of myself. But at the time, no. I would not have regretted ending that immense pain. Looking back to that horrific place, I would still want it and not regret its cold logic. As I journalled at the time, 'I want to wake up tomorrow to find that I've gone.' Why?
(another journal extract)
'I yearn to experience the fiery depths of hell. Nothing can be worse than this. Dying would be better. I have to touch the flames of damnation, endure Satan himself. Just to see. Just to prove it. A walk in the park. Pain and hurting so familiar. Endless strain. No peace. Incessant noise. Piercing screams. Continuous movement. Blinding light. Deadly fear. Infernal burning. Been there. Done that. The epitome of negative chaos. Easy.'
There is only so much time one can spend in what I used to call the 'hope or die stage' before purgatory ensues. And that's no life. Luckily I managed to wait it out until I saw the pin prick of light and follow it through to safety. Not without trauma and bad memories, but I found peace and stillness in the end. And I still manage to visit the stars from time to time too. But back then, when I was hurt, paralysed and weak on the inside, I still maintain it was my right to choose whether or not to continue. That's not to say I think it's a good idea for others. What I have now is more than I could ever have dreamed of, and so much better than ever before, even before I noticed I was ill. And what better stance to appreciate it from than having been at the bottom of the dark ravine?
Hi,
ReplyDeleteJust stumbled across your journal and felt compelled to write.
it sounds like you have been through some stuff and its always interesting hearing from other people who have been to those deep dark places.
Can I ask, why you chose the word euthanasia over suicide? It seems to me that what you are writing about here is a wish to kill yourself and whilst there are overlaps between the two I see euthanasia as being a way to escape a terrible, inevitable death caused by terminal illness or disability whereas what you're describing is a mental illness.
Mental illness, although as distressing and painful (if not sometimes more) as their physical counterparts are never terminal. No matter how desperate things get there is always hope (even if the sufferer can't identify it). Although suicide is obviously a viable, arguably easier, option there are other options. The way I see euthanasia is that it is there because often people with certain illnesses do not have the means to kill themselves unassisted and because the only alternative is to have a longer, more drawn out death. The two, in my thinking, are entirely different and to compare the two seems not only a little naive but dangerous and disrespectful.
Do you think perhaps you never really wanted to die? It sounds as though you are glad that you didn't which makes me question why you are arguing it as a viable option for people who are back where you were in your dark times. It seems to me that had you truly wanted to die back then, you could have made that choice- your situation was not comparable to someone who, for example, was paralysed and would have needed assistance, thus putting the assister in a place of commiting a crime. You COULD have died if you really wanted to.
Just my thoughts.